Commander's Log Sarsdate 15/04/0021 A Detour To Visit Justnot Fair
The Whining Handicap
As we are in good time to reach the shores of Loch Chemo by the end of this week, we took a short detour to visit Justnot Fair, arranged periodically by Grim The Reaper for the younger inhabitants of the island.
Justnot Fair is traditionally held in a small marquee, with fully enclosing side panels and minimal air flow. Once at least 200 young people have entered the marquee, all adult beverages become free and festivities begin, including group yodeling, full contact 5 player Twister and oral pass the parcel. Anyone accidentally getting separated from the other fair attendees by at least 2 metres is immediately ejected from the event. The highlight of Justnot Fair is The Whining Handicap. Just like in golf, each participants handicap is subtracted from their score. Again like golf, the formula for calculating handicaps is complex and subject to banditry. However, factors that increase the handicap include very serious physical or mental disability, a significantly disadvantaged upbringing, living below the poverty line and belonging to a persecuted minority. But unlike golf, the highest not lowest score wins, so anyone with a high composite handicap will almost never win – a bit like life really.
The actual Whining Handicap competition is very simple. At a nod from Grimmy, the 3 henchmen of the Tripocalypse turn off Bog Radio, shut down the bar and professionally disperse the gathering. Points are then awarded for the loudest and whiniest rendition of “It’s…Just…Not…Fair!” Bonus points are awarded for wearing gratuitously expensive designer clothing, having enough A Levels to attend university or thinking you can pay a £10,000 fine with Monopoly money.
Attractive activity based prizes are on offer.
Third Prize: A daytrip on Loch Chemo with Bruce “The Chain”, Carrier of Last Resort
Second Prize: Dragon Taming with Dougal McDangerous, including how not to extinguish Tumor Dragon firebreath using cask strength whisky from Tom’s Dunnage.
First Prize: Making your own personal Impossible Pie with Sweeney McTodd, includes two friends to join you in the mix, and two enemies to eat the pie.
Sounds an absolute BLAST!
I didn't dare mention it Chris, but as you found it too, I did indeed make unsanctioned stop there during my survey. Those unexplained items on the company AMEX, yeh... But anyway, fond memories, that sure was one hell of a party. Check out my pics on instagram: https://ramekin.procedural.eu/
The evening was going so well, my eastern accent going down a hit with Gaelic gals, but then in an ill-advised attempt at cultural exchange (https://theramekinofporridge.substack.com/p/commanders-log-sarsdate-04040021) I brandished my willow stick and set about increasing the fertility of the female contingent. Inexplicably, ejection swiftly followed and I found myself bellowing "It's Just Not Fair!!" on the beach alone. Too early to even qualify for the competition...